Last week started out normal, but then Wednesday I received a phone call that created an internal struggle. That afternoon our adoption worker called with a possibility. She knew it was not what we were expecting, but wanted us to make the decision. As she began to speak my heart started pounding and I was a little excited. As she told me the situation my heart sank a bit and then the struggle began.
The situation was a possible adoption of a sibling group. There were three kids ages 9, 7, and 15 months. They were not in foster care, but staying with a Bishop's family because the grandmother could no longer care for them. The Bishop and his wife came across our adoption profile and thought we might be a good match.
My initial reaction was no way. I think the first thing I said was "we don't even have a car that would fit all of us." At first all I could think about was all of the changes that would need to take place to adopt three children at one time. I felt overwhelmed by the idea and scared.
As I continued to talk to our worker I began to calm down and consider the possibility. I decided I didn't want to just say no. One thing I've learned in life is that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and it is not always the same plan we have for ourselves. I also know that whatever His plan is for me He will help me and support me. With this testimony I didn't want to give up on something that maybe a part of my plan just because I was scared. So I told our worker I would talk to Rich and pray to see if this was right for our family.
The next two days were rough and I was a mess. I think this is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I felt like I was torn in two and constantly wrestled back and forth over the decision. I found it difficult because there was not a right and wrong. Each choice could be right and whatever decision we made would effect our family's and these children's lives forever.
As Rich and I talked about it we made a plan to come to a decision. We decided to continue to do the things we do each day, pray and read the scriptures. We also decided we would each go to the temple. We agreed we would make a decision together after going to the temple.
On Friday night I had my chance to go to the temple. I couldn't wait to go. I was truly struggling and needed the quiet peace of the temple. For two days I wavered back and forth between the chaos of instantly being the mom of four kids and the possible joy at realizing my dream of having a big family. As I went to the temple I had an idea of what I thought was right, but I needed a confirmation. I went to the temple that night with a pray in my heart and seeking guidance.
As I sat in the celestial room in the Sacramento Temple I found the peace and confirmation I desperately needed. As I sat quiet and still I knew that this was not the right thing for me or my family. This is the impression I had been feeling, but sitting in the temple without the distractions of the world I was able to receive a confirmation and have my troubled heart calmed.
I can't even begin to express how grateful I am for the temple and the peace it can bring. I was a complete wreck as I walked into the temple, but as I left I felt light, happy, and completely at peace. Even as I drove home I remember having a big goofy smile on my face because all of the worrying and pressure had been lifted off my shoulders. I knew what was the right thing for this situation and I didn't doubt or question anymore.
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Now that it is a week later I do not doubt our decision. It was made together with the help from above. I know through prayer, scripture study, and going to the temple we were guided to do what was right for us in this situation. I am still sad that we have not added to our family and desparately want Ava to have a sibling, but I have faith when (or if) the time is right it will happen. I am placing my hands it the Lord's and letting Him lead me. I am open to Heavenly Father's plan for me and will try to do His will. I know whatever comes my way (kids or no more kids) I am not alone and that I have a kind and loving Heavenly Father that watches over me.
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One of my favorite Primary Hymns:
I Will Follow God's Plan
Children’s Songbook, 164–65
My life is a gift; my life has a plan.
My life has a purpose; in heav’n it began.
My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth
And seek for God’s light to direct me from birth.
I will follow God’s plan for me,
Holding fast to his word and his love.
I will work, and I will pray;
I will always walk in his way.
Then I will be happy on earth
And in my home above.
Words and music: Vanja Y. Watkins, b. 1938. © 1981 IRI