Disneyland in the Summer

Since we were going to be in Long Beach for my brother's wedding we turned it into a family vacation.  We went to Disneyland for the 3rd time this year.  I don't know if I have ever been to Disneyland in the summer, so it was a new experience.  It was too hot and there were too many people, but we still had fun. 

Since we have been a couple times this year we were able to relax and take it slow.  It was nice not to feel rushed or that we had to cram every ride in.  We enjoyed our favorite rides and attractions and tried a couple new things.  Ava was brave and went on Thunder Mountain Railroad.  She did not like the ride because it was too fast.  I was brave and took Ava on the Teacups.  I survived thanks to my little seasick patch behind my ear.  It's wonderful and I will never go to Disneyland without one again.

Squished inside the clam shell on Ava's favorite, the Little Mermaid, ride.

Being brave and slowly spinning the teacup.

We survived and I didn't get sick...YAY for me!

Ava happily driving on Autotopia.

This was Ava's first time on the Rocket ride.  She Loved it!

This time we were able to avoid waiting to take pictures with characters.  I think Pluto was the only one this trip.

Toy Story Mania is one of our family favorites.

After the day at Disneyland and the rehearsal dinner in Long Beach that night Ava was exhausted.

Enjoying a Mickey Ice Cream bar on a HOT day.

On the day before the wedding Ava was excited to spend a little bit of time with Uncle at Disneyland.  She wanted to ride with him on Buzz Astro Blasters and Star Tours.

Getting ready to enjoy the fireworks on the last night.

After an exhausting 3 days Ava fell asleep before we left the park.

While waiting for the fireworks Ava was a little crazy.  She was telling the lights to turn off, so the show would start.

Welcome to the Family

On July 12th my brother married Elizabeth and I gained a sister-in-law.  It was a beautiful ceremony at the Long Beach Japanese Garden.  It was a wonderful day and we are happy to welcome Elizabeth to our family.  I have never seen my brother smile so much.  It is nice to see.

First Dance

My Parents

Meet the Prettiest Flower Girl...

4th of July

This year was a special 4th of July.  We went to Gridley to be with Rich's family.  This year all of the siblings and their families were there.  The only ones missing were Mom & Dad Bowling who are serving a mission in Arkansas and Rachel who was at EFY.  It was great to be all together.

The Bowling kids and their families.

Being a little silly.

Cousins

Muir Beach

In June we went to Muir Beach with cousins.  Ava loves the beach and her cousins, so it was the perfect day.

Ava and Abby having fun, but being cold.

Nathan playing with little Levi.

Ava and Abby building a rock sand castle.

Ava and Ezra running from the waves.

Ava & Ezra.

Ava & Ezra rolling in the sand.

Bob caught a Lingcod.  It was a pretty turquoise color.

Mother's Day & Father's Day

Ava made me this card, a necklace, and a butterfly picture frame magnet.

Ava made this tie for Rich.

Preschool Graduation

Ava attended the preschool program through the city rec department for 2 years.  She loved it.  She made many friends and loved her teachers.  Ava was excited about preschool graduation, but was sad when she realized she wouldn't see her friends or teachers as much.

Ava walking into graduation.  She wanted to wear her favorite purple dress and she made her pink graduation cap.

Ava with Miss Chaundra

Ava with Miss Lacy

Ava with Miss Lailani

Ava with Papa & Nonna Kurz.

Ava with Mom & Dad.

Long Time No Post

It has been too long since I posted anything.  There are many reasons for that, but you don't need to hear them.  I have a lot of catching up to do, so keep checking back.  I have to start with Ava's preschool graduation that happened all the way back in May and add her first day of Kindergarten.  I can't believe so much time has gone by.  The next few post will mostly be pictures of our adventures.  Hopefully, once I get caught up I will be able to keep it going, but no promises.

Letting Go & Moving On

I'm writing this post for a couple reasons.  First, to share with our family and friends our decision to not continue pursuing adoption with LDS Family Services.  Second, it is cheap therapy.  The past few months (well really years) have been an emotional roller coaster.  I'm experiencing a lot of emotions and thoughts and I really just feel all over the place.  As I continue please forgive my rambling thoughts.  I am not an eloquent speaker or writer, but it does come from the heart.

About 8 years ago we started on the adoption journey.  At that time I never thought it would have been as challenging as it has been.  I did not expect to wait 3 years to add to our family and I did not think we would only have one child.  (Okay, let me pause for a minute to make sure you understand I'm not complaining.  I'm really not.  It has been hard, but I'm grateful for what I have and what I have experienced.)  Each year we have had to make a decision to continue pursuing adoption through LDS Family Services or move on.  Each year this decision has been difficult and stirs up a lot of emotions.  To continue means jumping through all the hoops of fingerprinting, foster parent education, CPR training, and more money.  To move on means a little more control and relief, but also giving up on our dream.  We approach this decision each year with great thought, prayer, temple attendance, and conversation.  It is always an agonizing process for me and has weighed me down for many years.

Last year was especially difficult.  I felt like I was done.  Going through the process and waiting has taken its tole on me.  I didn't want to go another year, but I wasn't ready to give up either.  We looked into different options.  We attended an orientation for a foster-adopt agency and looked into a different private adoption agency.  After considering all options I didn't know what to do.  I wasn't receiving any strong impressions.  I felt done, but was scared to give up.  After Rich and I discussed it we decided to go with LDS Family Services for one more year.

As this past year drifted by I have felt more and more that we are done.  We had some weird situations arise (adoption scams), but no real interest.  I started planning and looking forward to life after waiting.  I have thought about all the different ways to use the nursery and how I can spend all the money we have set aside.  I have found myself trying to be tough and not allowing myself to feel the pain.  I have put off grieving the loss.

In April our year was up and we decided not to continue pursuing adoption with LDS Family Services.  Our profile has been removed off the website and we have taken down info from our blog.  I have cleaned out a lot of the baby items we saved and I'm getting ready to donate them.  This past month everything has become more final and I am beginning to feel it.

At first, I felt a sense of relief that the waiting was over.  I felt happy to have control over that part of my life.  I was happy not to jump through hoops and prove I am a good person.  I was happy not to feel like I had to sell myself.  Each year going through the renewal process I would doubt myself.  I would think I'm not cool enough, pretty enough, smart enough, and so on.  I would wonder what was wrong with me.  All this stress was gone and it felt great.

Once I started moving things around and gathering baby stuff my emotions shifted.  I started feeling the deep sadness of letting go of my dream.  I found myself crying in the shower, alone in my room, or even while driving the car.  I have tried to keep these emotions in check, but I realize I need to allow myself a moment to grieve.  I don't plan on falling apart in public, but I do need to allow myself sometime to feel the loss of a dream.

As I move forward, I will try to do so with faith and patience.  Faith in knowing I am a daughter of a kind and wise Heavenly Father that knows me and has a plan for me.  Through all of life's experiences (especially how Ava came to be my daughter) I have learned that.  Faith in knowing I am not alone.  Jesus Christ is my Savior and through the atonement knows my sorrows, my grief, and knows how to succor me.  This brings great comfort and peace.  I will have patience with myself.  Patience in allowing myself to grieve and to know it will be a lifelong thing.  Patience in knowing I will have bad days and sad moments and that is ok.  Patience to know all this is temporary and if I endure well I will be rewarded in the next life.  I can't think of a better way to sum up than to end with one of my favorite quotes by Elder Holland, "Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."

I want to end this post on a positive note.  The picture says it all.  I would go through all the stress, pain, and sadness again if this is what I ended up with.  I love my sweet Ava more than anything.  I feel very blessed to be her mom and know she was meant to be my daughter.  I'm so grateful for the temple and eternal families.