Today I gave a talk in church. The topic was "Love and Kindness in the Home". I was asked to give this talk two weeks ago and it was definitely an interesting experience preparing for it.
I don't enjoy giving talks in church. I'm terrified to be in front of the congregation and have to have everything I want to say right in front of me typed or written word for word. If I don't I go completely blank and forget everything I prepared.
As I wrote this talk I struggled. I started preparing early and gathering information, so I could finish and not worry about it the whole two weeks. Well, that didn't happen because I finished late last night. I found a lot of great and inspiring talks from church leaders, but as I tried to put the talk together it just wasn't coming together right. I kept searching and finding more great talks. By the time I was done I had a giant stack of quotes and talks.
As I finished the talk I realized there was a reason I struggled so much. It was so that I could learn. I wasn't able to share all the great information I gathered, but I think it was meant for me to grow. I think I was the one that needed this talk more than anyone else at church. This talk was truly an answer to my prayer.
For the past several months I have been struggling and not always the most cheerful person to be around. A lot of it has to do with our adoption journey. It is not an easy road to travel and the past several months of going through the renewal process has been hard. It is hard to continue to wait and not know if we will add to our family or not. It is hard not being completely in control of my future and unsure what it will bring. At times this journey weighs me down and I am not always my best self. I have been struggling trying to be a better person during this trial and this talk has helped me.
Thank you Guy Holman for asking me to give this talk. My burdens feel a little lighter today and I have been inspired to be a better mom and wife.
The following is the talk I shared today. After my talk I want to share links to all the wonderful resources I came across as I prepared this talk. I don't want to be greedy and not share all the good stuff I found and did not put into the talk. I hope the words I was inspired to share will uplift you as they have me.
Love &
Kindness in the Home
As
I prepared this talked I came across a great quote by the late Elder Worthlin:
“The
Church is not a place where perfect people gather to say perfect things, or
have perfect thoughts, or have perfect feelings. The Church is a place where
imperfect people gather to provide encouragement, support, and service to each
other as we press on in our journey to return to our Heavenly Father.”
Please keep this in mind today as
this imperfect person tries to encourage and inspire you.
Brother
Holman asked me a couple weeks ago to talk about “Love and Kindness in the
Home”. He said the topic made him think
of me. At first I was flattered and took
it as a compliment. Later as I thought
about it I realized I’m not really an expert on the subject, but it is
something that I am always striving for in my home. I think I’m giving this talk today not
because I have great words of wisdom to pass on, but instead it was a way for
me to learn and grow. I hope today I can
pass on what I have learned and it will help you cultivate the spirit of love
and kindness in your home.
Along
with the topic of “Love & Kindness in the Home” Brother Holman gave me a
quote by President Lorenzo Snow. The
quote reads:
“See that the
little, trifling misunderstandings in domestic concerns do not poison your
happiness. Try to endure the
unpleasantnesses which arise at times, and when you meet each other in the next
life you will feel glad that you put up with those things.”
When
I read this quote the first thing that popped into my mind was toothpaste. I know that sounds odd, but back in 2008 I
read a great article about how a couple grew apart over a small and silly
thing. I would like to now share that
story with you. This story is shared by
the son of the couple.
“Small offenses
have a way of growing large when we dwell on them. One of Mom’s common
complaints was that Dad splashed toothpaste on the mirror when he brushed his
teeth and would never clean it off. It drove her crazy, and she couldn’t let it
go. I tried to explain that in the grand scheme of life, toothpaste on the
mirror wasn’t a very big thing. She wasn’t mollified. I wished they could get
along better, that they could overlook small things and not be so critical of
each other and be more forgiving, but that didn’t happen very often.
Dad died in the
spring of 1991. It was a time of grief, especially for Mom. She realized after
he was gone that she missed him more than she had anticipated. It was lonesome
living alone in that big house; her partner of 62 years was gone. She started
talking about him more frequently.
As the days
turned to weeks and then to months, I visited Mom daily. During one visit her
eyes turned watery as she told me of a mistake that she regretted. She reminded
me of the toothpaste and how adamant she had been that he was slothful in
neglecting to clean up his mess. She had been so angry over such a small thing.
Mom admitted
that on the first cleaning day after Dad died, there was toothpaste on the
mirror. She cleaned the mirror, but on the second cleaning day, there was more
toothpaste on the mirror. The same thing happened on the third and fourth
cleaning days as well.
Mom realized
that she had blamed Dad for the toothpaste on the mirror for many years, but it
had been both of them splashing toothpaste. She felt terrible that for years
she had been so upset about such a small thing. She freely admitted that her
anger had hurt her much worse than it had affected Dad.”
I
think when we all hear this story we can agree that the woman was foolish for
holding onto such a small thing and letting anger build up inside. I think it is easy to see from the outside,
but how many of us are guilty of something similar? I know I am not perfect and at times I let
things like bread crumbs left on the counter upset my day.
So,
how do we avoid letting these little things poison our home? As I thought and prayed about it the answer
seemed so simple: Have A Christ Centered
Home. During the last General Conference
Elder Scott said, “The ideal place for that peace is
within the walls of our own homes, where we have done all we can to make the
Lord Jesus Christ
the centerpiece.” I can’t think of
a better way to demonstrate love and kindness in our home than to follow the
Savior and the teachings of His gospel.
Elder Worthlin said, “Jesus, our
Savior, was the epitome of kindness and compassion.”
Even
though this answer seems simple it can be hard with the distractions of the
world. To maintain a Christ Centered
Home requires work and effort on our part.
We have to invite the spirit of the Lord into our home and make it a
comfortable place for it to remain.
President David O. McKay said, “A true Mormon home is one in which if
Christ should chance to enter, he would be pleased to linger and to rest.”
So,
the first thing we need to do is to establish a Christ Centered Home and invite
the spirit to dwell with us. Through my
research the same “Sunday School” answers kept popping up: Prayer, Scripture Study, and FHE. I don’t think it is a mistake that these
three things are continually repeated.
Again from the last General Conference Elder Scott identified the
fundamental principles that will center our home on the Savior. He said, “The
prophetic counsel to have daily personal and family prayer, daily personal and family scripture study, and
weekly family home evening are the essential, weight-bearing beams in the
construction of a Christ-centered home. Without these regular practices it will
be difficult to find the desired and much-needed peace and refuge from the
world.”
I know from personal experience it
is not always easy to have family prayer, scripture study, or FHE, but I like
what Richard Maynes of the Seventy said during the April 2011 General
Conference:
“It was
not always easy, convenient, or successful, but over time these simple
gatherings became treasured family traditions.
We learned
that our children might not remember everything about the family home evening
lesson later in the week, but they would remember that we held it. We
learned that later in the day at school they would probably not remember the
exact words of the scriptures or the prayer, but they would remember that we did
read scriptures and we did have prayer. Brothers and sisters, there
is great power and protection for us and our youth in establishing celestial
traditions in the home.
Learning, teaching, and practicing the principles of the
gospel of Jesus Christ in our homes helps create a culture where the Spirit can
dwell.”
Once we have established the foundation
of our Christ Centered Home we need to focus on maintaining it. Part of that maintenance is to diligently
keep up with prayer, scripture study, and FHE.
The other part is loving our families by living our lives in a Christ
like fashion.
During the Sermon on the Mount
Christ instructed us to be peacemakers.
In Matthew 5:9 we read, “Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall
be called the children of God.” This is a special scripture to me and one I
think about often. Last year I chose to
memorize this scripture to help me deal the challenge of getting a three, now four,
year old ready for school in the morning.
When I find myself becoming frustrated I try to remember this scripture
in my head. As I recall this scripture
it is easier for me to remain calm, patient, and to show love. It is easier for me to be more Christ-like.
Franklin
D. Richards spoke about being a peacemaker during the October 1983 General
Conference. In this talk he mentions
three Christ-like attributes that will help us become peacemakers in our homes: Avoiding criticism, forgiveness, and patience
1.
Avoiding
Criticism
In
the Matthew 7:1-2 it reads:
“Judge not, that ye be not judged.
For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.”
Most
of us do not enjoy having our faults and weaknesses pointed out to us. It does not feel good to be belittled or
constantly put down. Criticism does not
help either person and will instead hurt a relationship. I think President Uchtdorf put it best during
the April 2012 General Conference when talking about the topic of judging
others he said:
“STOP IT! It’s
that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental
thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children.”
Our homes should be a place where we
feel love, support, and encouragement.
It is a place where we should look for the good in each other and honor
it. President George Albert Smith asked us
to “look for the virtues of our associates and observing them make them happy
by commending them.” He went on to say
that doing this “we will radiate sunshine, and those who know us best will love
us.” I don’t know about you, but I would
rather be the sunshine in my family’s life than the grumpy ogre that ruins the
day.
2.
Forgiveness
Throughout
the scriptures we are commanded to forgive one another. When we hold onto grudges or past wrongs it
builds anger and unhappiness. To have
peace within our homes we have to learn to forgive. President Hinckley said:
“There is no
peace in harboring old grudges. There is
no peace in reflecting on the pain of old wounds. There is peace only in repentance and
forgiveness. This is the sweet peace of
the Christ, who said, ‘Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the
children of God.’”
Along
with forgiveness, I think it is important to say, “I’m sorry”. When we have a bad day and take it out on our
family. When we hurt someone’s feelings,
even when unintentional, don’t let it go.
It is important we don’t let our pride or stubbornness stop us from
letting our family know we did not mean to upset them and that we love them.
3.
Patience
In the April 1987 Conference Elder
Wirthlin said:
“Patience
with family members and others who are close to us is vital for us to have
happy homes. However, we often seem more willing to be courteous and polite
with strangers than with those in our own family circles.”
This
is something I’m constantly struggling with.
I find having a four year old challenges me and requires me to
improve. One of my biggest frustrations
and weakest moments has been family dinners.
There are times when Rich and I are both done, but Ava slowly enjoys her
meal. She likes to tell stories and be
silly which drives me a little crazy.
I
decided I need to change to make this time together a special time, a time Ava
would fondly remember. For the past
several months I have started reading aloud to the family when I’m done
eating. It is not something we do every
night, but when dinner is going long and I start to lose patience I get out a
book.
This
one little act has made a big difference.
Not only do I enjoy the story, but it also helps Ava to focus on eating
while she listens. Instead of dinner
being a frustrating experience for all of us it has turned into a fun time, a
time when we bond over a book.
As
I close I would like to share a story about a sister that demonstrated these
three Christ-like qualities. This story
was told by Sharon Larsen:
“…[My] older sister turned her heart to me when I asked her
if I could borrow her car to go visit my friends. She agreed but said that I
needed to have it back by four o’clock. I happily took off. We were having such
a good time, I could hardly believe it when I looked at the clock and it was
six o’clock! When I ran into the house, my sister wasn’t there, but on the
table was a beautiful chocolate cake, my favorite, with a note that said:
“Don’t worry. I know you were having a good time. I managed to get a ride. I
love you.” Now, that is turning your heart to your family, holding your banner
high! She was worrying about my feelings when I was the one who had
inconvenienced her!”
I
love this story because this sister demonstrated perfect love. She did not get upset when her sister did not
keep her promise. She did not criticize,
she easily forgave, and showed great patience.
She even made her a chocolate cake.
I wish I had a chocolate cake for every time I made a mistake. I think this sister’s actions were Christ-like
and helped to cultivate love in the home.
The
family is essential to Heavenly Father’s Plan.
He gave us families to help us on our journey home to Him. It is our responsibility to love and care for
each other. It is not always easy and we
can get on each other’s nerves, but if strive to Center our Homes on Christ and
follow His teachings it is possible.
I
want to end with a quote by President McKay, “If you want peace, your is the
responsibility to obtain it.”
Links to all the resources I came across preparing my talk:
Talks & Articles
Radio Programs from Mormon Channel
I just want to say I LOVE the Mormon Channel. It is full of wonderfully inspiring stories. If you have not checked it out please do. It makes my life better and my days happier. You can download the app on your smart devices or go to the website: mormonchannel.org My favorite radio programs or podcasts are Enduring it Well, Why I Believe, & Everything Creative. If you have any questions about it just ask.
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