In March we will have waited 2 years to adopt...again (last time we waited almost 3 years). It is not getting any easier and actually continues to get harder. We have to update our status which involves a lot of tedious work and money. We do not look forward to doing all these things, but know it is just part of the process. In the next few weeks we have to complete our home check, fingerprints, foster care reading hours, and make sure our CPR/first aid is up-to-date. Oh yeah and then there is the annual fee. Just thinking about it stresses me out and overwhelms me.
The paperwork isn't the only thing to cause stress. Each time the year mark roles around I begin to doubt myself and question am I good enough. It is hard to explain unless you have gone through the process, but I feel like I am selling myself and need to be perfect. I worry about what I look like, my age, my clothes, and being fun. I analyze every part of my life and it can really drag me down. I wonder what birth parents want and can I be it. It is a difficult time and something I have to work through each year we wait.
The good news is even though I struggle and have dark days I know it will all be okay. I know there are trials in life and I have had my share, but I also know I am not alone. In times like these I use my testimony and faith in Christ to sustain me. I pray, read scriptures, and find peace at the temple. Sometimes I am just going through the motions, but it keeps me going and gets me through the hard days.
I also look to my family for love and joy. Ava reminds me each day how blessed I am and reminds me that I survived the waiting game once before. I know Ava was meant to be my daughter and all that I went through before testifies that to me. It was not easy, but it was worth it and I gained so much. As I go forward now I have to remember the past and look to the future with hope and faith "that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good" (D&C 122:7).
Talks and Quotes that keep me going:
-Barbara Thompson, Personal Revelation and Testimony, General Conference October 2011- "In the book Daughters in My Kingdom, we read about Sister Hedwig Biereichel, a woman in Germany who suffered much sorrow and deprivation during World War II. Because of her love and charitable nature, and even in her own great need, she willingly shared her food with starving prisoners of war. Later, when asked how she was able to “keep a testimony during all [those] trials,” she replied in effect, “I didn’t keep a testimony through those times—the testimony kept me.”
-Elder Holland, An High Priest of Good Things to Come, General Conference October 1999- "Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come."
-Elder Hale, Waiting Upon the Lord: Thy Will Be Done, General Conference October 2011
1 comment:
It's amazing how easily we can doubt ourselves. I often find myself wondering why I could "only handle" 2 kids and feel super lame about myself. It's so important to learn to turn that voice off and to remember there's so much we don't understand yet. You're doing all the right things, and you're a wonderful example of faith and perseverance. I love you!
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