Learning to Follow God's Plan for Me

Several months ago I submitted an article to the Ensign magazine. I have not heard back, so I guess they didn't want it. I'm sharing it now because it was therapeutic for me to write it then and continues to help me as I reread it now.

Learning to Follow God’s Plan for Me

I have always been the kind of person that likes to have a plan. I make lists, keep calendars, and map out my future. As a young adult I wanted to finish college, get married, and start a family. When I married my husband everything seemed to be on track. We were both attending BYU and had two more years left. We decided to wait to start our family because it was important to me to finish school first. We thought we had it all figured out and knew how our lives would go.

After finishing school we moved back home to California and began the next phase of our plan. My husband decided he wanted to pursue a career in the medical field as a Physician Assistant (P.A.) and I planned to support him. Together we decided he would be the main bread winner in our family and I would stay home with our children. We were excited about our future and worked together to make our plans and dreams come true.

When my husband was accepted into the P.A. program at UC Davis we were delighted and grateful for this opportunity. We knew Heavenly Father was guiding and leading us. Even though I struggled to find a steady job we felt we were where we were supposed to be. After some struggling and a lot of prayer a job opportunity presented itself and we were blessed once more.

During the next 2 years we worked hard. My husband focused on school and I focused on working to provide for our little family. We supported and encouraged each other looking forward to the day my husband would graduate and things would calm down. We did not have any children at this time and were longing to add to our family. I did not worry too much and figured once our lives were “normal” it would happen. According to me our lives were still on track and everything was going according to my plan.

When it came time for my husband to graduate it was a day of joy and celebration. I still remember feeling proud of his accomplishment and relieved that those two years were done. I looked forward to our future and having children. I thought things would be easier. We would have less stress and there would be nothing in the way of us adding to our family. I was excited to be a mom and that is where my focus settled.

My husband found a job, we moved, and began organizing our home. By this time we had been married 6 years. Most people still thought we were newlyweds because we had no children. It was hard to explain to people (mainly members of the church) that it just hasn’t happened for us. I wanted so desperately to be a mom, but that blessing just hadn’t come yet. I was sad and a little frustrated. I tried to figure out what I was doing wrong to have this blessing withheld from me. It was difficult to accept my plans, my dreams, were not working out and no matter what I did or changed it did not change the situation.

As time went on my husband and I decided to try to adopt through LDS Family Services. We started the process and figured it would be easy. I did not anticipate what we would go through or the challenges we would face. It was not easy. We suffered through different trials and heartbreaks. I did not feel in control and felt completely out of control on the inside. My emotions were fragile and I spent a lot of time praying and attending the temple to find strength.

It was during one of my visit to the temple I had a revelation that changed my attitude and life for the better. As I was sitting in the celestial room in the Sacramento Temple a talk entitled, Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer¹, by Elder Richard G. Scott came to mind. I remember him quoting D&C 88:64, “Whatsoever ye ask the Father in my name it shall be given unto you, that is expedient for you.” The part that stuck out to me and was repeated in my mind were the words, “expedient for you.” As I sat in the temple tears came to my eyes and I felt the peace of the comforter, the Holy Ghost. I knew my life was not off track. I knew I had not failed and that Heavenly Father had a plan for me.

Later when I was at home I reread the talk by Elder Scott. As I read, several more passages touched my heart. First, he counseled us to think about how we pray and altering it if necessary. Elder Scott said, “Consider changing from asking for the things you want to honestly seeking what He wants for you.”² At that moment I realized I needed to change my attitude and prayers. I had been praying to be blessed with a child, but what if that was not Heavenly Father’s plan for me. I spent a lot of time thinking and praying about this. I decided to live His plan for me whatever that may bring. I decided to focus on temple work and service. I changed my attitude by thinking of the positive aspects of my life. I also decided if I was not blessed with children I would prepare to serve church missions with my husband. By looking at my life in a different way and focusing on what Heavenly Father wanted me to do I became happier. It still was not an easy road, but I felt my burdens were lighter.

The second passage that touched me is a quote from President David O. McKay, “It is true that the answers to our prayers may not always come as direct at the time, nor in the manner, we anticipate; but they do come, and at a time and in a manner best for the interests of him who offers supplication.”³ This quote taught me a great lesson. I realized Heavenly Father hears my prayers and He does answer them. It might not be the answer I want, but Heavenly Father knows what is right for me. At this moment I learned to rely on and trust my Heavenly Father more than ever before. By reading and studying these words my heart was softened and my faith grew.

The next few years were not easy. I still hoped to have children, but through prayer and temple attendance I was learning to follow God’s plan for me. When times were especially difficult I would reread Elder Scott’s talk, pray, and sing (in my head) the primary song “I Will Follow God’s Plan.”⁴ Doing this gave me strength, peace, and the desire to seek and follow God’s plan. This is what I needed when we were hit with the biggest trial and heartbreak yet.

After waiting to adopt for about 2 ½ years we were chosen by a birth mother and thought we would shortly become parents. When the week of the baby’s due date arrived I was excited and anxious. Then we received a devastating phone call informing us the birth mother had changed her mind. I felt like my world had come to an end. I didn’t know what to do and was lost. All I could do was pray. I prayed throughout the day for a couple weeks. It is the only thing that kept me going.

Then one day about two weeks after this heartbreak I felt the impression to contact our social worker. I talked to my husband about it and he agreed. We both felt impressed that we needed to make ourselves available for adoption, so we wouldn’t miss an opportunity. When I called our worker he was happy about our decision because another birth mother wanted to talk with us. I was surprised, scared, and a little reluctant. I used the counsel and direction from Elder Scott’s talk to have faith in Heavenly Father’s plan and allow Him to guide me. As we got to know this new birth mother things were different. I was still scared, but I also felt a sense of peace and that this was right.

When our birth mother told us she wanted us to be the parents of her baby the first thought I had was, “not again.” I felt nervous, scared, and unsure if I could go through another painful loss. After some careful prayer and consideration my fears were calmed and I knew this was right. As we waited for our baby girl to be born I still had the memory and pain of the previous experience in the back of my mind. Whenever that began to happen I would pray and it would disappear. It was not easy waiting, but I knew this was Heavenly Father’s plan for me and I had faith that it would work out.

After 6 months of waiting our beautiful baby girl was born. We were fortunate enough to be at the hospital and witness her birth. Holding her for the first time was wonderful and I was filled with so much love. Looking at her I knew she was my daughter and I could not wait to take her home and be sealed to her in the temple.

Now that I am a mother of a wonderful 2 ½ year old I see things differently. I can see Heavenly Father’s guiding hand in my life. I now know the first child we did not have was not really ours. It was a hard fact to face but looking back I can see how Heavenly Father tried to tell me that. I never felt at peace during that time and felt something was not right, but I ignored the feeling because I wanted to be a mom. I know that Heavenly Father guided my daughter, Ava, to my husband and me. I know she was meant to be my daughter and I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that knows what I need even when I don’t. I am grateful for all these experiences I have had, good or bad, because they have strengthened my testimony and helped me to have faith in Heavenly Father’s plan for me.

Note

1. Richard G. Scott, “Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer,” Ensign, May 2007.

2. Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 2007.

3. Richard G. Scott, Ensign, May 2007.

4. Children’s Songbook, 164.